Melancholy and the Infinite Sadness

Pensive at times, and most often melancholy is the overwhelming feeling that I feel starting the second week of an install. Pensive: trying to ensure that I am doing the best that I can for my family, moreover that I am providing for a better future for Katie Jo and Kyle. Is the job enough sacrifice of the body and mind to ensure that they're future selves are going to be okay? Can we mentally survive the self-inflictive pain whilst apart? It is tough, waking in the middle of the night, after a bad dream, or wandering thought, to wake up and find only a cold side of the bed for "comfort." The thought that my better half is awake and busy at work provides some comfort, knowing that she is slogging through her day, providing relief and sometimes angst for the patients seen at her clinic. Some comfort, but I am not able to talk to her, let alone reach out to her. All I can do is answer nature's call and keep the goal in mind: Successful completion of my mission, on time, such that I am able to escape this segment of my life, for the time being. Nothing provides a better motivation than missing one's family. Knowing that I have a goal to getting back with the ones that I love, provides me with the strength to carry on. Be it through sickness, bloody hot conditions, or tedium in the repetitive days, insomuch as that the days of the week mean nothing. Each day that I wake up means the same, damn thing: quick breakfast of whatever, some caffeine plus the adrenaline-rush of the Autobahn, followed by a brutally hard day at the office:

Cold and dreary it is. Perfectly suited for my mood. The trip started difficult enough: a large lump in my throat, tears just behind the eyelids, as I bade farewell to my wife and kids. I am not sure why it was so tough this go-around, it just was. Even now I am torturing myself with music that affects my mood: "Pictures of You," by The Cure; and "Tangled Up in You," by Aaron Lewis. Reinforcement of the mood, and who knows what dreams may come.

Times like these are tough on me, and for my wife. We both understand our situation and do our best to put the best face on things. Truth is, that being away from her and the kids is probably the hardest thing I've had to deal with, and I do so often. Harder than saying, "Tootles," to my family and Uncle Larry at the airport when I left for boot camp; harder than saying goodbye to family after a visit to MN; and as hard, yet less acute, than saying farewell to a family member just before they pass on.

Infinite sadness, as such there is not much I can do to alleviate the pain. Talking with my wife every day is the de facto highlight of said day and the ever present drive to finish the tasks at hand, are all that I can do. But no matter what, the sadness remains in the background. In the background, that is until I lay down to rest for the evening. Luckily I am exhausted from a long day at work and usually have an adult beverage, or four, in my system to help with the transition from the waking bad dream to others after the world gets dark. Nights are the worst by far. Just imagine if you will: A bad dream occurs, in which there is much despair around you. You do not know why things are down, or what you can do about it. The feelings intensify to the point that you awake to a dark room, cold pillows next to you, when all you want is a familiar warm body next to you, to hug, to make the feeling dissipate. Then fucking reality sets in: you're all alone in a strange hotel room, thousands of miles and up to 14 time zones away from the one person that can alleviate the pain.

** SIGH ** sorry for being such a Debbie Downer, but I just need an outlet for the way that I am feeling at the moment (shut up already, Robert Smith!!!). Just got word that I get to come back to Germany not long after getting back home from this current trip. Long enough to get back to Mountain Standard Time and long enough to enjoy being with the one, and ones, that I love.

Is it all worth it???

Time will tell. I pray often that the choices that I make pay off to the betterment of the kids and of the family. If that means that I suffer a heavy heart for a weeks at a time, then it will be well worth it.

Thanks for reading,

Kev